


Reason

by Curiaso



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Canon Rewrite, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Assault, Rape Recovery, Sexual Abuse, Underage Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 10:39:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10920141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curiaso/pseuds/Curiaso
Summary: Bella left Phoenix for more than her mothers happiness. She left her home to leave the man who ruined it.OrSnapshots of the book that change when being given a new context.





	Reason

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF TAGS!

I sat on the high stool, keeping my hands busy with a doodle in the inside cover of my notebook. The pens black ink shined oil-like, a blue tinge, when the light caught it just right as I traced over and over the loopy pattern. As I traced, images flashed in the back of my eyes; the Cullen’s sitting all together at one table, Edward glancing at me from across the lunchroom, the feeling of my heart jolting at seeing him after a whole week of absence. Would he be coming to class today? Would he be avoiding me after last class, when he’d sat so perfectly still, and tense and hadn't moved till the very end? Would he talk this time, or be just as rude as before? 

From beside me, the metal stool scraped with a shriek against the tiles as Edward settled in. I kept my eyes on the drawing, forcing my pen to continue its loops, ignoring how the paper was beginning to weaken where I’d gone over the lines too many times. 

“Hello,” His voice was like honey, like silk, like the smooth press of granite against fingertips. My eyes flickered up, and my brow lifted with incredulity. I noticed that even now, with his face looking open and with a sort of forced friendliness, he sat as far away from me as the desk allowed, and leaned back unnecessarily. His eyes-a golden color I didn't recognize from our last meeting-held the sort of caution you see more often directed towards animals. The look when you weren't quite sure if they were dangerous or not. Like he was sizing me up, seeing if I would pounce, or if I would roll over friendly. 

“My name is Edward Cullen,” His tone was careful, measured. It confused the hell out of me. “I didn't have a chance to introduce myself last week. You must be Bella Swan.” I let out the breath I’d been holding, and nodded in greeting, trying to reconcile this person before me with the one I’d experienced last week. They were two different species as far as I could tell. 

Our conversation continued, a little bit stilted, but surviving okay despite the awkwardness. But then he asked about Arizona. And leaving. 

“Why did you come here, then?” He asked after I’d made a harsh comment about the snow. His voice was harder, with more of an accusative tone than I thought was warranted in the situation. I shrugged, hoping I’d be able to get out of this phase of conversation quick. A simple shut down, and he’d probably get the message. 

“It's complicated.” I tried to make my words more clipped. Apparently it wasn't enough.

“I think I can keep up.” I did my best to keep a scowl from him, though I could feel my forehead creasing without permission in unhappiness. 

“My mother got remarried. That’s all. New topic please.” He looked a little shocked, but moved on from the uncomfortable subject to talking about our classes. I could feel relief sink into my bones. 

~0~

The group of men calling out obscene things and slowly tightening their circle around me had a drum beating in my chest. I felt like there was ice in my veins, and a fire in my stomach. All I could see were the faint shapes of his hands wandering up my leg, layered under the faces of these drunk men. The smell of beer and something acrid like sweat drowned me, and I realized abruptly that I couldn't breath. I barely noticed the headlights veer closer to us, or the call from Edward to get into the car. It was some automatic ability that got my wooden limbs moving again. The car squealed with the force of his driving. I sat perfectly still, trying to calm my heart, and warm my veins, and soak my stomach fire. Breath caught in my throat with each ragged gasp, but at least it came.

When he told me I was in shock, I didn't disagree. Because my body didn't feel like mine from that night on for two weeks after. I kept feeling this weight of ownership. The leash around my neck I'd slowly been cutting through in Forks had grown new fibers, and was stronger than ever. When Renee called me that same night, I let it ring and ring and ring. And I refused to think about who was on the other side with her. Instead I thought about Edward, and his ability to read minds, and his family of vampires. He thought I was crazy for trusting him. To him he was the ultimate monster. But that wasn't true. I know what real monsters look like. And they don't have kind gold eyes, or dazzling smiles. They don't drive you home, or lend you their coats. And they certainly don't jerk away from you when you touch their hands.

~0~

The night Edward had come into my bedroom, the night he’d revealed he’d been watching me sleep… I’d almost called it all off. But the little voice in my brain that knew about relationships told me Edward and Phil were two very different people, with two very different connections to me. They were worlds apart.

After asking him a question about Rosalie and Emmett getting married, we’d gotten onto the awkward and uncomfortable topic of sex. He’d asked quiet, into my ear, “Have you ever….?” His voice trailing off suggestively. I swallowed down the burn of uncertainty and muttered a torturous, “Of course not.” I felt every bit a liar.

~0~

James' face looming over my own, as his hand (cold as Edwards, but not nearly as soft) gripped my face. My body went limp, terrified of what he was going to do. It wasn't death I was scared of. No, it was the unsaid, but nonetheless explicit possibility of what else he could do to me.

~0~

With Him gone, the hole in my chest had grown. And I knew that. And Charlie saw how it hurt everyday. When he'd called mom to come up, she'd suggested coming back home. Home....What kind of home did she think I wanted. The answer was one far away from her and Phil. With Him gone, I had less of a reason to stay in Forks, but the memories kept me where I was despite His loss. 

~0~

When I realized that getting myself into danger would let me see Him, I almost called mom and begged to go Home. Go where she thought Home was. But His face wasn't angry when I picked up the phone, my thumb hovering over her contact. This time His face was weeping. And he begged me not to do it. So I didn't. 

~0~

We were going to go visit my mom in Florida. I was looking forward to seeing her, less thrilled to see Phil. I’d tried convincing Edward that I didn't want to go. When that failed I tried to act sick. When that failed I told him he was coming, not Charlie, and if he wanted an argument I’d give him a damn argument. So now we were on a plane, and I couldn't sleep. 

“Excited?” I hummed in agreement, though inside what was really going on was my stomach churning uncomfortably, and my lungs feeling squeezed and bereft of air. Edward gently held my hand, as I leant on his shoulder. Our arms were entwined, and his chill seeped through his shirt and into my cheek. I closed my eyes, and reminded myself that I had a top of the food chain predator on my side. Nothing could beat that. 

~0~

It was only three days, but I could tell Edward was losing his patience with being in the same house as Phil within two hours of the first day. I’d had to tell him to calm down more times than once already. When we sat all together at the table that night and tried to act like some sort of shitty family, I’d kept one hand free for eating, and the other tightly wrapped around Edward's hand. Mom was oblivious, but Phil, Edward, and I were most certainly not. 

In the privacy of my room (which I knew Edward would be staying in every night despite being put on the sofa-bed) Edward confronted me. 

“Bella. Why did you come to Forks.” It wasn't even really a question. We both knew why, or at least I figured he could guess. Part of me was annoyed, that this little bit of my past that I’d so far been able to hide from him, was now out in the open. But that night I began to tell the story in the whispered hush of darkness that enveloped our room. Or, atleast part of it.

"Phil wasn't really a bad guy." I started. "He’d never done anything prior to that night," this was a lie, but I was referring to the same night I’d decided I was going to leave Arizona for Forks within the month. 

It had been an unusually cool day. Mom had gone to sleep after having a really nice night of gallery hopping, and craft perusing with both Phil and I. I was sitting on the couch, flipping through late night television, unusually alert for eleven at night. Phil had slumped next to me, and I’d shot him a preoccupied glance.

“You know Bella,” I’d payed more attention now, ignoring the screen in favor of him. He’s been a little bit drunk, one too many beers over the span of only a few hours. "I hadn't thought anything of it." I said to Edward. I tried to ignore how that fib burned like acid on my tongue. “Y’re mom and I are g’unna be on the road soon, for the league.” I remembered a shiver of dread climb up my back as he’d edged closer to me. “And you can come if you wa’n.” His breath burned my nose. “But we both know Renee’s gunna wanna be wit’ you’n not me.” His hand had fallen on my knee as he spoke, and his fingers had begun to massage it. I remember watching the skin there goosepimple. I remembered wanting to run, but being stuck by some invisible force. It had felt like a string was tied to the inside of my stomach, that I was being pulled down, farther and farther into a strange feeling of foreboding. Like something I’d never seen coming was barrelling towards me at 100 miles per hour. 

“But thas okay. Be’cus you and I are gonna be really grea’ frien’s Bells.” His hand had climbed and climbed. I’d worn shorts that day. Little white cotton shorts with a drawstring. A cool day in Phoenix didn't mean not hot. A cool day in Phoenix meant that you needed one less water bottle, that was all. “An’ even if y’re mom wan’s to stay wit’ you, I can be wit’ you too, right Bells?” I remember thinking that only Charlie called me Bells. I remember thinking that he wasn't making any sense, that none of his words were stringing together to form anything I really understood. I remember thinking that Phil was such a nice guy. Remember thinking how he’d bought mom and I ice cream that same day. He’d joked with us that day. I remember the way his hand went up, under my shorts as I sat frozen and hollow save for all the thoughts of how great a guy Phil was, how much mom loved him, how I’d been bridesmaid at their wedding. 

“And I just sat there, as Phil’s fingers…. His fingers they-” My breath caught and I didn't think I could say anything more. Not now.

Edward was staring at me with big eyes. Not angry. Broken. Like I’d told him something he’d never be able to get over. I was suddenly glad I hadn't told him the full truth. That I was able to tell at lest a partial lie in my partial truth. “Bella.” His voice was hoarse. I felt a shudder travel through my body, and all of a sudden I noticed how Edward looked blurry. And then I felt the warm streaks shoot down my cheeks, as my eyes overflowed. And I felt the hunch of my back, and the emptiness in my body, and the way my chest felt like it had been smashed in. 

Cool arms had wrapped around me with great hesitance. Most of me invited the loving touch. But a little part of me wanted to cringe away. Wanted to be left alone to deal with the hand I’d been dealt. My sobs were soft and silent. Edward held me till I was fast asleep, dead to the world, but still aching. 

~0~

Jacobs hands, drenched in warmth pressed harsh against my spine as lips I never asked for met my own. I felt a fury I'd never felt before climb through my chest, into my throat, and with a strength I didn't know I had I fought like a wild beast. When Phil had touched me, I'd sat placid like a doll, waiting for the end. And now I knew that that tactic never worked the way you thought it might. The way I once thought it would. 

"Bella what the fuck, calm down!" My hands beat against him, and I could hear and feel the small bones in them fracturing as I fought. From my wrist a sicking crack sounded, but I continued to hit him. He'd backed away, and I still charged toward him. His body was harder than mine, this weak fragile slip of a thing I'd been born into. 

Once I'd backed him to the very edge of the board walk we'd strolled down I stopped, and with a finger that still didn't hurt I pointed him in the eye. "You don't," my voice was hard as steel, low and with only the slightest bit of terror. "get to touch me without my permission." Jacob's eyes had widened, though there was a smile curling at his lips. 

"Come on Bella, you know you wanted it!" And with the remaining strength I had, I pushed him into the water, and walked away. Sometimes, I thought, getting over things is just leaving them behind you. I ignored his cries from behind me as I brought my crap phone from my pocket with my mangled hands and called Edward. 

~0~

As Carlisle patched up my hands, Edward held me by my waist, and pressed a long kiss into the crown of my skull. "I'm proud of you." His voice was quiet, and I was suddenly sure that if he could, he'd be crying. I turned and hid my face into his throat, and nodded. 

"I'm proud of me too."

~0~

The night Rosalie told me about how she'd been turned, I felt like I'd met a new person. I felt like I'd found someone that I could trust with all the burdens I'd held on my shoulders for so long. All of a sudden I knew I'd found a person who could handle my secrets as well as handled her own. That night, I'd told her the full story. Everything I'd told Edward and more. How some nights when mom had gone to sleep, Phil had crept into my room and held me. How he'd never done anything like touch me directly till the night he'd been drunk, but that prior to that he'd taken one too many photos of me at the pool. How he'd bought me book after book, and then told me I had to keep quiet as his hips rocked against my lower back. How I'd cried into my pillow as silently as I was able, as he stumbled to the room he shared with mom, and slept without guilt. 

After I was done, I wasn't crying like I had when Edward had heard half of my story. Instead I was standing stock still, trying to figure out if I'd done the right thing. Beside me Rosalie was equally as motionless. We stood like that for easily an hour, just two bodies with throbbing souls. 

"If I ever meet him, I'll rip him piece to piece." Rosalie's eyes had turned to me, I could tell. I didn't answer for a moment, but then I turned, my eyes feeling wet as I met her gaze. 

"And I still won't forgive him." Together we nodded, and went back inside. I ignored the look of worry Alice shot me, and went to bed instead. Some things have to come out at some point. Perhaps this was just the volcano erupting. 

When Edward awoke me, I knew he'd heard his sisters thoughts. I curled tight to his chest, and muttered into the rock hard expanses. "The things he did aren't who I am." His arms tightened by a fraction. 

"I know. I just wish I could have-" I took my hand and pressed it over his mouth. 

"Stop." Letting my hand leave his face, I moved on to lighter things. I don't know what recovery is. But I think maybe your boyfriend isn't the one to be your therapist. 

~0~

Jacob tried to convince me to kiss him again by running to battle. But I'd had enough of manipulative tactics from men I had once trusted. "GO THEN!" And he went.

~0~

When he'd been hurt, I ignored my fear for a moment and visited him. "I wish things could have been different." His voice was soft, drugged with morphine. I gave a grimace, and replied.

"Me too." How he took these words I didn't know. What I did know was that I wished he could have still been my friend. That I wished he'd never kissed me that day. But he'd made his grave. Now he had to accept what he'd done, and lie in it.

~0~

Phil had gone missing. Not while we were there, when I had worried Edward would do something rash. But months after the battle with Victoria and her army of newborns. After our wedding announcement. After it all. Renee had called me in hysterics as I pumped gas into the ridiculous car Edward had bought me. I spoke with her on the ridiculous phone he’d given me as I paid for gas with the ridiculous credit card he’d put in my name. 

I decided to go to the Cullens instead of home. I had my suspicions about where Rosalie and Edward had gone ‘hunting’ last weekend. And really, I couldn't find it within myself to be angry if they had somehow been involved with the disappearance. Maybe that made me a bad person. Or maybe, just maybe, it made me human.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed, leave a Kudos. If you want to give me some critique or encouragement leave a Comment. If you want to keep track and/or make Reason easier to find for others, feel free to Bookmark.
> 
> Till next time,  
> Curiaso


End file.
